I’m using that one for updates, but I need to get some rather un-Christian feelings off my chest if I’m to be able to sleep tonight, and if that means writing him a letter that only you guys will read, so be it. I’ve just had enough now.
The tears I might have shed for your dark fate
grow cold and turn to tears of hate!
~ Christine Daae, Phantom of the Opera
You came across as a very needy individual, one I saw a lot of my past self in. You told me how people disrespect you, that your defense is to push people away to avoid being hurt. We even had a chat last week, where I pointed out to you that your big problem with making friends is that you don’t trust anybody. In all the times we’ve spoken about this, every time I’ve spoken through personal experience. I wanted to help you, like I do a lot of people – however, in the past couple of weeks, the compassion I had for you has all but evaporated.
I will admit, due to my inexperience in dealing with people like you, I made a few mistakes, one or two being immensely stupid ones. I shouldn’t have let you persuade me inside for a chat, although I did manage to get away from the situation in the end, praise God. The only reason that happened was through another blunder, that of sharing with you something I’d barely realised myself and was telling only a select few at the time. Although the only reason I told you at all was so you’d stop trying to coax me into a relationship when I’d already told you no – several times. I feared for my safety, that’s the only reason I told you I’m trans. And what happened after that? Dr Jekyll left the building, and Mr Hyde began assaulting me with Scripture I’d already read. Good job I was already aware of this kind of argument and was able to defend myself, escaping where necessary. The next night you almost outed me to D when I hadn’t told him yet, and that was about the last I heard of you, save the odd brief greeting at church.
Over a year has passed. I’m still living at the same place, we have a new housemate moving in tomorrow, work’s been going great despite – or even because of – my trans status; you know, the one you tried to tell me was “leading me away from God”. I bumped into you last Sunday, where we had another of those long talks, me foolishly thinking (or rather, hoping) that last year was water under the bridge and that you’d leave me alone. No such luck, huh?
Let’s see: Okay, you were feeling suicidal again. Sorry to hear it. When I told you to talk to a vicar and/or get prayer to help you feel a bit better, I said it for a reason. You didn’t need me to go back with you to “make sure you don’t hurt yourself”, that’s what seeing a vicar is for. However, when you then asked if I’m Christian, and then told me that Christians should “help the needy?” That was low, A. Oh, I wasn’t fooled for a minute – I knew damn well what you were doing. Manipulative, much?
Then you said you “were struggling with your sexuality and might be bi” – okay, you might be, but again, I saw what you were trying to do. This after I had to keep reminding you that I’m male and not a lesbian/any other kind of female? Come off it. All your telling me you “found me attractive as a man”, and even – no, especially – wanting to have sex with me “as a man”, then talking about sucking my nipples and asking how big they are… ugh. My skin crawls just thinking about that. You crossed a line, big time. I told you I’m not interested in the idea – several times. Fine, it might help you to get intimate with another human being, but you have a lot of work to do before you’re anywhere near desirable enough to have that encounter. No, it won’t help me feel any better – as I told you, it would more likely have the opposite effect, but that’s not the point.
D was at a weekend festival. I usually love having the place to myself, but as I walked home I was praying he’d come back sooner rather than later. I thanked God when I got home the following day to find him in the kitchen. I told him what had happened, he then said you’d even propositioned him! Whether it made me feel any better I don’t know, but just the fact you were still trying it on a year later shook me up pretty badly. Suddenly I didn’t feel safe anymore; I had reservations about going to church the next Sunday, I felt uneasy in my own home even, because you’re close by. I was having a mini-freak out about it all, to be honest.
Partly through D’s advice, I reported this to my small group. It transpired through this that you’d not only get into fights or generally harass
people, but you were even known to follow folk home. I left that night feeling even worse about the events of last week, and by the time I got
to church this week, it was probably apparent in my manner as I approached the vicar about it. Thankfully she too had heard about your
antics and went to have a word with you about it, since you were already in the foyer – I don’t know how that went, but it didn’t seem to have
much effect by the time you showed up again during post-service coffee.
I walked past you before the service for a reason; not only did your very presence send a shiver up my spine, but I needed to see the vicar. She certainly didn’t need to tell me to stay away from you, or walk away if you approached – and I found that much easier to do than I would have once thought. Oh, you started off civil enough, like you – sometimes do, before asking yet again if I’m “still going through this change” – why do you keep asking, just out of interest? Especially when I told you last week I’d been on HRT for about 10 months. Yes, I’m “still” changing my sex, are you going to keep asking this once I’ve had the last op?!
So, what happened after that? No propositioning this time, thankfully – although was it because I turned you down last week that you defaulted to Assault By Scripture? Yes, I turned you down (again), boo hoo. I’ve told you why too many times. I shouldn’t have to keep telling you just because you have mental health problems and the Jekyll/Hyde traits they seem to give you make you unapproachable at times. I almost found it funny when you started with the “God made you a woman/the Bible says..” again – but I wasn’t smiling. In fact I got pretty angry and told you in no uncertain terms not to start that crap with me again. But of course you don’t listen, do you. So I did the only thing I could – I walked away. Talk to the hand, I’m not here – I’m over in this corner feeling pretty shaky from the encounter. Partly through just being in confrontation, ’cause I hate it – but mainly I was shaking through rage.
Why do I still let myself get so angry at ignoramuses like you?! Why, despite being a non-violent person, did I still feel like punching you? Why, despite being so passive and accepting of people, do I feel consumed by hatred? I can only come to the conclusion that you’re
such a toxic presence you bring out the utter worst in me, and that’s quite frightening, to be honest. I don’t enjoy feeling like this. I want
to feel safe in my own church/neighbourhood. You may be a good-natured person if not for the demons running riot in your soul, but as it stands you’re a dangerous man and you are to stay the hell away from me. Seriously.
If I have to be confronted by you again, I will tell you in no uncertain terms to leave me alone. Persistence after this will get the police involved, because if there is a next time it will become harassment. I have enough problems without having to deal with a stalker. I hope to God that by the time you turn up to church next week, you’ll be escorted away before you have the chance to start anything.
By the way, since you’re so fond of Scripture, here’s one for you:
22Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ 23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ ~ Matthew 7:22-23
TLDR: Leave me alone before I call the cops, arsehole
Photo credits: ralaenin @Freepik.com